Dear Dr. Carrie, I’ve been seeing a particular escort regularly for a while now, and the connection is so intense. I just know we should explore the relationship outside of work. How do I bring it up?
Yours truly, Hot for Love in the Wild
Dear Hot for Love,
I empathise with your predicament. It truly is a tale as old as sex work itself. If this were Georgian England things could be different. You could set her up with a fancy apartment, generous allowance and an exclusivity arrangement. But this isn’t Soho circa 1825, so I’ll lay the problem out as gently as possible.
You’ve asked for some practical advice on broaching dating in a context outside of sex work, and the answer is please don’t. Not if you want to continue seeing her at all. Resist the temptation to slip your phone number into a robe pocket. Firstly, you are putting her in an awkward position at work, and yourself too, as she will have to tell Madam Mary and you will get told off.
More importantly, it would unravel the very connection you hold so dear. It might feel like the client/sex worker boundary isn’t really there, it’s too good for that. I’m not here to tell you there is no genuine spark. But I propose to you that you may be suffering from a sex work version of projection so notorious in therapy rooms. It is not exactly the same of course, but the heady mix of sex hormones, nakedness (physical and metaphorical), truly excellent humans, and centuries-old misconceptions about sex workers can combine to alter perceptions. Allow me to explain.
It’s a given, right, that sex workers are not who they say they are. For many clients, that can add to the feeling of excitement, fantasy and wild abandon of seeing a sex worker. For some sex workers too. The flipside of this alternate, furtive identity is stigma. There is this very old idea that sex workers are metaphorically masked, hiding their true thoughts and feelings in order to manipulate others for gain. Against this generalised backdrop of ‘faking it’, it is natural that any feelings of realness with an individual sex worker can be magnified.
I’m not saying that sex workers don’t perform. Sociologists such as Erving Goffman consider everyone actors, that we perform multiple versions of ourselves daily depending on the social context and rituals. Yes, performances of the self are more extreme as a sex worker, because they enact necessary boundaries, as well as creating the space for connection to take place. This is something far greater than sexual performance. Performance is true for clients too, because part of the joy of seeing a sex worker is both the implicit and overt fantasy and roleplay. Both subtle and explicit fantasy approaches are valid, liberatory, and a good time for all.
All this to say, performance is not only natural but even facilitates connection and intimacy. This performance might not be evident at Funhouse, because everyone who works here is very good at their job, wants to connect with clients and to have exceptional sex.
It is not wrong that you feel a spark that you want to explore further. Against the stigma and backdrop of perceived theatrics of sex work, realness can seem super real. If you find yourself at the end of a session wondering is there something there? the answer is probably yes, something. You are a great and lovable person after-all. But the something is here. I implore you to preserve the magic of what you have with your favourite escort, by doing nothing. You can carry the warm after-glow with you, but Funhouse is where it belongs, for the wellbeing of everyone involved.