I’m lucky enough to be able to ignore entire sections of the internet. It’s a blessing. But it means I can be late to a trend. Case in point: I only recently discovered ‘looksmaxxing’, an influencer-driven, competitive pursuit to maximise physical attractiveness, often through extreme methods. It’s led by, and targets men.
Looksmaxxing strikes me as a very lonely sub-culture, where attempts to beat self-estrangement and feelings of not being ‘enough’, result in people becoming even more estranged from themselves and from others. What struck me in particular, is that it not only cultivates damaging and inauthentic relationships with women, but that it does the same between men too. I hope that all the young men currently searching for self-worth in the looksmaxxing scene find their way out quickly.
There are no doubt multiple ways out of the rabbit-hole, but one is through ‘offline good’. Wellington is full of opportunities for offline good. By that I mean good for us, from us, and around us. There are comedy clubs, gigs, amateur sport, art projects, games venues, and environmental projects. There are volunteer and community groups, and more beautifully niche clubs than can be listed here. All these things make life bigger, more connected and offer a tangible counter to the alienation that looksmaxxing exploits.
As for sex, intimacy, and relationships – looksmaxxing just isn’t it. Being authentically ourselves, caring about others, being fully present, being an open and attentive lover – these are the foundations of hot sex. There are variables expanding out from that, of course.
Our bodies are for so many things. For joy, pleasure, for making things, for rest, for feeling the sun or the jolt of the ocean, for communication. You can add many more things to this list – all far more important than the angle of a jawbone, or the width of someone’s clavicle. Don’t believe the influencer hype. You are more than enough as you are.
This goes for seeing escorts too. Seeing sex workers is as meaningful or not as you make it. But in any context, brothels have never been about lack, and always about human experience through the medium of sex. Sex work is about more, not less.
And yes, for those wanting some bedroom practice, be it vanilla or kinky, girlfriend or pornstar orientated, we love to be part of that. In a way that always feels good, regardless of whether it is an explicit sex coaching session, or simply low key, low pressure exploration.
Be it Girlfriend Experience, Sensual Massage or BDSM, sex work is a vast playing space for different kinds of intimacy, physical sensations, desires and release. That’s why it feels too limited to lean in to the ‘maxxing’ jargon and describe sex work as sexmaxxing. It’s closer to lifemaxxing. Either way, both win over looksmaxxing – every time.