As much as everyone loves seeing sex workers in film and art, myself included, the same is true for the spaces of sex work and bookings themselves.
From opera to pop culture, representations of brothel receptions, red-light zones, line-ups, small-talk and sex can be found everywhere. Given that brothels and their interiors are generally well hidden, the curiosity is understandable. But what do these cultural works really tell us about visiting a brothel?
Art tells us everything and nothing in this case. Take Godard’s Vivre sa Vie (1962) and Buñuel’s Belle ju Jour (1967), two films that hinge on what clients and sex workers do before they undress, during and after. I love those films. But, unfortunately, we can’t rely on French new wave cinema as a guide to what to expect in a modern brothel. In fact we can’t even rely on the Billie Piper version of Belle du Jour. The author was a call-girl working in a country where even small, sex-worker run brothels remain illegal. TV made closer to home likewise involves lashings of story-telling.
So where can you turn for the low down? Why, right here.
Whether you are new to seeing sex workers, or just to Funhouse in particular, this is a pocket guide to what to expect here. Because Funhouse does things a little differently. If you have previously seen sex workers in countries where prostitution is criminalised, you’ll also find this guide helpful.
Let’s start at the beginning.
YOU NEED TO MAKE A BOOKING
We are strictly by appointment only. There are no line-ups, or bar-side introductions before choosing an escort, domme, or sensual masseuse. Head to the profile page on our website, where you can find individual biographies and image galleries, and get a real feel for who you will connect with most. This includes overviews of what services individual sex workers offer, including couple and threesome bookings.
Once you have in mind an escort you would like to spend time with, pick up the phone or email Mary. She will work her diary magic. This is also a great time to mention if you are after something specific in a booking.
ARRIVAL
Once the booking is confirmed, you’ll receive instructions on where to find us and directions for arrival and entry. The Funhouse exterior does not look like a brothel. It’s not even signposted and you won’t be running into clients leaving or arriving.
This is one reason why we ask everyone to please be on time.
If the unexpected happens and you are unavoidably delayed, let Mary know as soon as possible.
INSIDE
Once you are in, you will be welcomed inside by your date, who will show you directly to your room. She won’t yet be naked, her beauty will be wrapped in something fun to take off.
We don’t use heavy perfumes here, but let us know if light scent should be avoided too.
As for the space of Funhouse, our interior design is world class, with a luxury mid-century aesthetic. The lights are soft and gently glowing, the rooms elevated, warm and relaxing, the bedsheets crisp.
INSIDE THE MASSAGE ROOM / BEDROOM
You’ll be offered a glass of something to drink, and a shower.
The drink is optional – the shower is not.
What precisely happens in the session will depend on you, the escort you are seeing, and what kind of booking is taking place. A brief conversation about your wants and needs is important though. While we excel in and love physical communication, the beginning of a booking is time for some verbal communication. This conversation will vary depending on booking type:
– For a sensual naked massage booking, expect a short conversation about massage preferences and extras early in the booking. If you are not sure about what different extras entail, just ask. They are optional.
– For a kink or Domme booking, there will be safety and boundary conversation well before any whips or dildos come out. Even if there has been email communication prior.
– Unless someone is a regular, even a Girlfriend Experience will involve some conversation around what someone is in to. This is not an interview (unless you want it to be! Could be a hot role-play…). The conversation can be candid or it can be soft and flirtatious, whispered while knickers slip to the floor. But it will unfold naturally in the booking.
For example, kissing is part of a GFE and we love it, but if you prefer something else simply tell your date. Or, if you want to watch your sexual partner orgasm first, or to come at the same time as you, you can tell us. And some things you can show us…or we can show you.
These boundaries go both ways – you can expect that if the escort you are seeing doesn’t enjoy something, she will let you know. If that happens, embrace the communication. A problem generally only happens when a sex worker has to repeat herself. Happily that is rare at Funhouse. No-one is expected to be a mind reader, but mutual respect and listening to a lover results in exceptional sex for everyone.
READY FOR INTIMATE CONTACT?
Safer sex is mandated by New Zealand law, and also by us.
Both penetrative sex and blow-jobs require a condom. Our drawers are well stocked with condoms of all sizes, as well as lubricant and gloves.
For sensual massage bookings, note that multiple orgasms are an extra. And we are also talking oral sex, toys, or hand jobs in massage bookings – penetration is strictly a bedroom booking activity.
By bedroom booking we mean Girlfriend Experience, Kinky Girlfriend, Pornstar Experience bookings. Those also allow for coming again (and again).
Also note that for Domme bookings, if there is any fucking going on, it is the client receiving.
Regardless of booking type, if someone orgasms relatively early in a booking, clients generally stay til the end of the booking. While edging is a much enjoyed request, we won’t be offended if you have work to get back to! But sex is just one part of the intimacy, physical pleasure and eroticism of sex work. Conversation, massage, cuddling, laying about naked together post-coitus are wonderful things. We invite you to stay.
EXTENDING
Time moves differently here. Being intensely in the moment and in pleasure means it is not uncommon for someone to realise part-way through a booking that they want more time. The best way to guarantee availability is to book longer appointments from the outset, as the diary can fill up. Nonetheless, if you find yourself wanting to wind back the minutes, extending a booking can be a good option.
To extend, simply ask your date during the booking. Try not to wait til the last 10 minutes. She will need to briefly pop out of the room to double check with Mary that an extension is possible.
GENTLY WINDING UP
Toward the end of your time together, you will be offered another shower. This one IS optional.
PAYMENT
Payment happens at the end of the booking. This may seem unorthodox, but sex work is decriminalised in New Zealand and non-payment of sex workers is taken seriously by police.
We find our post-sex approach leads to a more organic time in the bedroom. But if you prefer to pay cash at the beginning, you are welcome to do so.
Eftpos, Visa, Mastercard and bank transfers are also welcome. Again, our systems are discreet. The reference that appears on bank statements is so nondescript I personally can’t even remember what it is.
You can also pay by bank transfer in advance.
If you are a new client you may be asked for a deposit at time of booking.
AFTER THE BOOKING
After your booking, your date will show you out. This helps ensure client anonymity, plus Funhouse is a bit of a maze and we don’t want you getting lost. Also a kiss or hug as you leave is hot, romantic, and the best way to say goodbye don’t you think?
And while you won’t have your date’s phone number, you are welcome to send post-booking regards via Mary.
And that’s it. A beautiful, perfectly balanced mix of rules that do need to be followed, to ensure maximum freedom and pleasure for everyone.